(Disclaimer: I will not hop on a soap box about anything I have not experienced personally.)
This post is dark, raw, and full of emotion. This post is also exactly where my journey started.
Synonyms: pessimistic, sad, unhappy, destroyed, low.
None of these come close to describing depression. The magnitude of these words is nothing compared to the magnitude of the word "depression".
I hate that word. I hate that disorder. I hate the way you look at me when you find out I have it.
I was 18. Starting my freshman year of college. The week before classes started, I filled out a survey. This survey was monitored. As in, the counselor looked at the "scores" and called you in personally if you scored a certain amount. Guess who scored that certain amount? ME, of course. She asked me to do a more detailed screening which concluded that I had depression, anxiety, panic disorder and PTSD. YEAH RIGHT, this lady is out of her mind!!! I called my mom cracking up that this woman just told me I'm DEPRESSED?? Mom didn't think it was funny though, she said I should definitely talk to the doctor about it. Fast forward, the doctor confirmed all of what that college counselor had told me. Perry, meet anti-depressants.
Depression slowly took over my life, it was a shadow behind me everyday. You know like Peter Pan's shadow that followed him everywhere? Like that, except mine didn't dance around the room, mine stayed in the dark away from everything. Going to class was no longer an option, going out with friends? think again, sleeping was the only cure. I started slipping, slipping from my friends, my family, my education, and God. Why me? What have I done to deserve THIS kind of suffering.
This is when I started feeling crazy. Like I was making all of this up. Like this was a choice I had made. Like this is what I wanted. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
Depression is a chemical imbalance, not a choice.
"All you do is sleep," they'd say.
"You're so lazy, do you ever get out of bed?"
"Just be happy," they said, "it's not that hard."
"Do you even go to class?"
"Why don't you ever want to go out?"
"This is all in your head," they said as they rolled their eyes.
"Get over it, you're being dramatic."
Phrases and questions that made me question what I was even doing here. What am I even on earth for? To sleep all the time? To lay in my bed isolated? That is not a life I want to live.
Me: What if I just leave? Depression: You should.
Me: Who would even miss me? Depression: Nobody.
Me: Do I even have a purpose? Depression: Lol, not at all.
Me: Maybe I should just end it all. Depression: Good idea.
Me: I will never win. Depression: I will never lose.
This is what I dealt with before I decided that depression would not win. Driving home from college one night I caught myself staring at the ditches on the side of the road, speeding up...55...65...75...80...STOP. I pulled over to the shoulder, put the car in park, and cried. I cried and yelled at God. I begged him to please fix me, please take it away!!! I prayed, I prayed harder than I ever have, I prayed that He would show me something. What can I take from this?, why did you give me this battle?, am I supposed to be learning something from this? ANSWER ME!!
A few weeks went by and my attitude had completely changed, I started fighting back. Depression will always win UNLESS you fight back. YOU are stronger than depression, even when you feel you are at rock bottom. Hey, while you're there PICK THOSE ROCKS UP!! Yeah, I said it, PICK THEM UP. Rocks: confidence, strength, determination, courage. THROW THOSE ROCKS AT DEPRESSION. Who is losing now?? Not you!
Depression will defeat you, unless you defeat it. David and Goliath, David knocked him down with a rock, a rock that was courage. You are David, KNOCK THAT GIANT DOWN. You have a purpose on this earth and I promise it is NOT to be beat by depression. Try this, instead of asking God "why me?" ask "what do you want me to learn?" You will be amazed at how He answers. I don't know exactly what my purpose on this earth is, but I know that God wants me to share my story and speak to all those who will listen and it changed my whole perspective on how I would handle depression.
We are not broken, we are powerful, we are strong, and we have the ability to defeat this.
You are worth so much,
God loves you.